Can I ‘Dong’ My Neighbour Over The Head?


Is it socially acceptable behaviour to dong one’s neighbour over the head? Well his behaviour certainly isn’t socially acceptable by any stretch of the imagination.

It all started off so well; two years ago and our previous neighbours moved away…..well they would wouldn’t they. She was having an affair with the odd job man (definitely looked odd and don’t think there was a job). We knew something was going on when her husband temporarily moved out and one sunny Sunday morning, I stepped outside to find her watering the weeds, wearing no bra (not a good idea as she was rather large to say the least. In fact even Rubens would have found her a tad too voluptuous ) and a fag hanging out the corner of her mouth, trading quips with her ‘fancy man’. Two weeks later she had gone with FM, husband had moved back in with loutish son and then three months later the new neighbours in need of a ‘dong over the head’ arrived. As I said, it started off so well. Polite introductions were made, welcome to the village, etc etc but then it all went downhill from there, oh dear. To start with they decided to convert their integral garage into a larger kitchen (wish we’d done that years ago, you can’t swing a flea round in ours). Along came the builders and the noise was horrendous but horror of horrors, they made a huge mess of my husband’s beloved sports car AND DIDN’T APOLOGISE. ¬†They have been ‘renovating’ for almost two years now. They never knock on the door and say “Sorry, there’s going to be a bit of noise”. Why on earth does Mr Pain-in-the-arse decide it’s ok to start banging nails, sawing wood, mowing the lawn, drilling at 6pm at night or 8.30am on a Sunday morning? Why do they have two of the moaniest, whiniest, screaming kids? AND WHY DO THEY HAVE TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO US? Ok, I’ve had it….I’m off to get a rubber mallet to do some ‘head donging’!


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